NOTABLE VENUES.

What makes a venue 'great' -  Is it the location?  Is it the atmosphere?  Is it the facilities?   Yes, and yes.

COWEY SALE.

Cowey Sale, on the banks of the famous Walton Riviera, and in the shadow of Desborough Island Water Works, is a beautiful paddock of bewitching marvel. Be it the sodden marshy underbelly, at the historic ‘New Zealand Avenue’ end, the electric straits of fat plateau in the central zone, or the soft brevity of the undulation at Weybridge Port, this venue stinks of excitement at every bastard. Indeed, in the 17th Century the land was used for grazing and was approached by a wooden bridge over a small stream known as the Seale or Sale. Huge bovine juggernauts loitered on the fertile turf, and were known to produce a rare funk, known by local aldermen as ‘The Cowey Pong-Pong’.

It is, at once, both engaging and challenging, providing something for both the experienced Jacksmith and the Lumpen-Kugelhand alike. Connoisseurs of primetime boules have been known to surge onto the loose verges, and hang from horse chestnuts to glimpse their heroes in action. Stewards battle to prevent encroachment, and the tiny dimensions create a rare intimacy, as fans can almost literally breathe down the neck of competitors and whisper encouragement/wickedness into their earboxes.

As it is in the flood zone, Cowey Sale is prone to flooding, especially during heavy rain/flooding periods. It also suffers from severely problematic ice patches in winter.

Oh yes, Cowey Sale is a classic English boules location that can charm, thrill and unsettle.

TWICKENHAM GREEN.

Twice used in the last year as a platform for the epic rivalry between Messrs Chiswick Park and Chastity Darling, picturesque Twickenham Green provides a challenging surface for purveyors of Freestyle Boules.

The terrain appears flat, simple and somewhat basic at first glance, but offers many hidden undulations and a rare mixture of heavy and firm top soil.

It is famous for its inconsistency of bounce, run, and give, not to mention the sporadic appearance of Mansons - often catching out even the most experienced of Boulesman.

Darling is known to favour this varied and unpredictable habitat, and his record on the Green is highly impressive - indeed, he has only ever lost one Bastard there.

Twicks Green was also the scene of Darling's famous 'Pigeon' in January 2011, where he ruthlessly dismantled Park's reputation of high excellence in front of a sparsely populated, but vociferously partisan crowd.

The Green is also famous for its cricket pitch and cordoned square, which adds further discomfort for players timid of Jack-ing Off near its boundaries. Any boule that finds its way onto another sports hallowed turf is, obviously, automatically invalid, and this has caused many problems at this particular venue.

Players will also find distractions in the form of regular half-hourly church bell chimes at the 'Prince Blucher' and 'Johnstone's Paint' Ends of the ground, and also a plethora of stray infants and/or domesticated animals littering the outfield during matchtime.

Needless to say, as the Green is circled by imposing oak trees, Autumn is a particularly tricky season to complete a Bastard. Luminous ballcocks are highly recommended in such instances.

It is a complex, confounding, and compelling venue, remaining a highlight of any Boules calender year.

FISTRAL BEACH, NEWQUAY.

Fistral Beach in Newquay offers something rather special for those who crave both boules and a sea view - a rare glimpse of the beautiful Pacific Ocean whilst throwing their Put-Put.
On a clear day, it's claimed that you can see the Isle of Man (if you wear equipment and stand upright).

The terrain is mostly sandy / sand-based, with little or no guarantee of consistent bounce during the spicy weather in summer months. Those fond of a well aimed Leamington Handy or Winkle will find particlar joy in the soft bosom of the beach's bowels.

Recent weeks have seen a boom in hotel growth along the promenade (see picture) due to the increased volume of Boules spectators or 'Blovers' found shuffling sheepishly around the area on match days.

Cocktails are served at high tide, intervals and during injury time.