SOMBRE HOMBRES.

A press leak photo seems to have confirmed rumours of yet another kit change for the Minehead Terrapins, ahead of next season's centenary celebrations. As purists, we're delighted that they have at least kept to their club colours this time; tiger stripes were a poor choice, a fact now kindly acknowledged by their GM, Sally Gunnell. 

The city of Minehead has long been associated with producing outstanding Kugel tossers over the generations, including not one but two Gib Cup Champions (Jon Milk in 1982, and Laura 'The Rhino' Kidding in 1987). In recent years, however, their membership numbers have dwindled. This is mainly due to the rise of Minehead Glory, the local basketball franchise - which has seen a bizarre spike in interest since its conception in 2005. Like Baseball in the West Indies (destroying cricket), and Ornithology in Norfolk (also destroying cricket), Basketball has become an unsavoury magnet for locals, producing an effect that recalls The Pied Piper of Hamley's. 

The world's oldest boules club, formed in 1867 - Butterpond Muntjac BC, based in Staffordshire, are a Boules institution draped in the classic tradition. They have produced some of the greatest Boulesmiths ever to grace the BAFBA paddock. Not surprising, perhaps, given the huge volume of members that have worn the Muntjac blazer over the years. 'Proof that if you throw enough shit at a fence, some will stick', was once the unkind observation of Ken Mews MP.

Don 'Humbucker' Kodie, regarded by many as the 'Spherical Godfather', was one such Muntjac pro. His rivalry with fellow Muntjacian legend, Jo-Wilfried Cardiac, dominated the Boules scene of the 1950's. 

Their clubhouse is an extraordinary converted public lavatory (recently featured on popular archaeology show 'Grand Design') that now incorporates the beautiful BAFBA Museum.

Current BAFBA Secretary, Cahill Morgue BAHons, himself a former chiropractor, was made honorary life-president at East Mickle in 2014. This has led to murmurs of favouritism, as well as some prolonged verbal spats with opponents during game time, often involving star player (and Morgue protegé) 'Big' Bob Action.

Action (pictured alongside fellow Osteopaths, Eddie Yard & Jeff Fannie) has enjoyed great success on and off the field of play over the last 3 years. The 'Micklepaths' have received serious investment over the last 3 years, which includes the opening of a fresh training complex, vending machines, slot machines, and a redesigned pavilion that now boasts toilet facilities.

The much-loved Barnacles have endured a trophy-less dry spell that would not be out of place in the Gobi desert. They are yet to have produced a tournament victory in their 45-year history. Dozens watched on as Liz Ogilvie (pictured) actually reached the ranking final of the Pryhill Gardens Classic in 2012, only to watch her miss out on the title to precocious rookie Ron 'The Manboy' Boyman of the Durham Warlords.

Barnacles Club Captain, Sean Category (pictured far right), is a firm favourite on the circuit, despite his passionate canvassing for Brexit. Known as the 'Eddie Edwards of BAFBA', Category's record is extremely poor, but his rapport-building interaction with spectators (think pre-long jump slow hand clap) has been praised by Ofsted.

Hythe Chemistry are the sole BAFBA club consisting exclusively of family members. Membership is not available for non-family members or the general public. This, in theory, creates a tight-knit family bond, but often results in emotional outbursts and family feuds.

The Otterball family (or 'The Otters' as they're more commonly known) hail from Milton Keynes, where their commitment to Freestyle Boules has led to accusations of borderline 'Guerilla' activity. On one such occasion, they were thrown out of Milton Keynes Library for causing a bruhaha whilst practicing Leamington Handy's.

Their most successful Kugel-flinger (or at least most famous) is Gibson Otter, who has earned the nickname 'Monkey Wrench' for his aggressive use of the Laxman.

Norwich Panthers (formerly East Anglia Freemasons), feature BAFBA star Tam 'Coughing Buck' Buchanan (Top row, second left, with trademark flat hat) amongst their ranks. His arrival from previous club, Strathclyde Dignity, has boosted their fanbase, eager to witness his palm-up winkle (a technique he has coined 'The Snow Leopard').

The Panthers have received funding from Moss Bros tailors, who now provide their uniform. They practice at Danby Wood on Marston Lane, and have recently erected large camouflage-green screens to provide privacy. These have caused uproar from fans who can no longer catch a glimpse of their heroes, and also anger from local dog walkers who repeatedly, unknowingly, bump into them.

'The Battle Bears' are a predominantly female Boules Club that boast several high performers on their books. Sid Performance (back row, centre) is one of only two male members - the other being Bollywood actor Neel Bedrock - and is seen as a father figure having captured over 20 BAFBA titles.

Performance has been overshadowed in recent seasons by Sandy Bargain (far left) who has already won 7 tournaments having joined in 2011. Her signature throw, the 'Posset Crunch' has confounded opponents with its dark brilliance (effectively a Royal Winkle Crowbar).

Warwickshire Battle survived a winding up order in the mid-1980's from HRMC due to unpaid corkage. They are now a thriving hotbed of BAFBA talent, and their youth team (The Battle Cubs) is now overseen by Boules matriarch Flo Veneer. 

The Unitarians, affectionately known as 'The Crust Buckets' due to the high average age of their members, are admirably dedicated in their pursuit of BAFBA excellence.

They train 4 nights a week at Balmouth College Orangery, and boast state of the art 'hawkeye' ball-tracking devices that record the quality of put-put toss.

Featuring Julio Mendelssohn (bald, beard, glasses), Sandi Toksvig (gilet), Sue Lawley (pinstripes) and Dr Miguel Umgh (shoulders), their strength is unquestionable. Seen here with silverware earned by Club Captain Lisa Loeb at October's Broughborough Identical, their trophy cabinet is the envy of many a BC (Boules Club).

Renowned for their sportsmanship and politeness, The 'Warlords' was originally a nickname for The Durham Gentlemen.  They changed name officially in 1994, after the initial suggestions (subject to a public vote) of 'Durham Gits' and 'Durham Losers' were both vetoed by BAFBA members as grossly anarchic & unsuitable.

Currently captained by the burly Rory Climb (left), The Warlords is the home club of BAFBA powerhouse and multiple Gip Cup champ, Ken Mews (now retired, centre).

Completing this trio is Jan 'Sandwiches' Pathos, who joined from Greek club, Delphi Dolphins in 2014. Whereas Climb and Mews are seen as purists, the signing of Patios has been greeted as a progressive move to attract a new wave of Warlord fans; his style has been identified as 'nouveau-fliche' - which loosely translates as 'stylishly aggressive'.

Famous Nutsax include BAFBA characters Steve Camelot, Ahmed Loe (neither pictured), and pioneer of the 'egg roll' stance Vincent Beale (far left).

The Nutsax, based in the Gloucestershire village of Rutsax, are known to be rigorous sticklers for rules and regulations. Well groomed, their kit is 101% traditional, having remained unchanged in over 70 years, and their appearance (shirts tucked in, and pressed slacks) is always immaculate.

The one anomaly/discretion re: this professional attitude would be the regular confrontations that arise with their crown green bowling neighbours - Rutsax Heart Attacks (RHA). The Nutsax continue to practice on (and damage) the hallowed RHA turf at Highgleam Cemetery, seemingly without any scruples.

The Eels are known for their youthful endeavour, breathing life through the BAFBA windpipe, into the BAFBA bowels, and inspiring a whole new generation of junior Kugel tossers. Their fun attitude and zany kit designs, once frowned upon, are now accepted by the BAFBA stratosphere.

Founded as recently as 2002, and featuring exciting prospect Margot Plaintiff (second right), their membership has swollen like an Ostrich egg over the last 20-30 years. This is party due to their training ground location at Barnhill Rock Garden, which is situated amongst 3 reasonably-priced public houses. A carnival atmosphere follows The Eels wherever they jack off; a wonderful shot in the arm and slap to the groin for those who suggest Boules has no future/is for losers.

Featuring experienced Boulesmith, Waffenschmidt (second left), The Antidotes like to have fun on Tour. Their recent practice match with The Dundee Eels, held in Windsor Safari Park, attracted a crowd of some 100 people, all keen to join the fun.

Formerly a semi-professional darts team from nearby Hunter's Bar, The Antidotes switched to Boules when their semi-professional darts membership was revoked in 1994. It has been claimed (by rivals) that severe alcohol consumption was making the throwing of darts an 'extremely thrilling, yet potentially fatal' pursuit. 

They moved their training booth to Larwash Green, and now compete for top honours at BAFBA, using their signature 'side on' tossing technique, which is inevitably seen by some as a two fingered nod to their past glories at the oche. 

Known as much for their colourful language as their skill on the paddock, The Percy Sledges have had more players fined and/or suspended than any other Boules Club (BC). Through sheer weight of numbers (including a fanbase of over 50 'Sledge-hammer' ultras), they are a force to be reckoned with, and walk a tightrope of decency/mirth at every BAFBA tour event.

Featuring Brenda Klaxon (left) & Phil 'Fag Ash Phil' Demetriou (Back row, second left), The Sledges have a strong line up, to go with their strong trousers; their kit was designed by the London Fire Brigade, who won a competition on This Morning to provide fresh clothing, hats, and training gear.

The lesser-seen Brioche are an intensively private Boules Club, of whom little is exhibited/made available for public consumption. 

Formerly counting the perversely antisocial Jim Treeheart (not pictured) amongst their ranks, The Brioche are all known individually by code names only.

Left to Right: The Narwhal, Idle Hands, Candi Staton, Parsnip, Drambuie, and Crayfish Hill.

No personal details have ever been released, and they always wear sunglasses and full-length equipment during matchplay.

The only (relatively) recent press release from The Brioche came in 2014, announcing the engagement of Parsnip and Candi Staton. It is understood they were married at a private ceremony in North Wales in 2014.

The WUB’s were originally known as ‘The Pole Cats’ for obvious reasons. They were forced to change their name, again for obvious reasons.

You don’t need to be attached to Wooville to perform Beagle-style, but the University at Wooville has produced many fine Kugelsmiths over the last 25 years, and is rightly proud of its Wooville production line. Indeed, not only did ‘Morbid’ Ingrid Sordid first toss at Wooville, but they also regard Gus Nob, Sol Purge, and inventor of the famous ‘Pond Lily’ nubbin toss, Heather Batfish, as alumni.

Featuring the fantastically impressive Boulista, Polly Skiboots (second right), The WUB’s have built a strong culture. Quite literally, in fact. Their offsite dairy farm at Beagle Villas produces cheese to match the vintage pedigree.