The CASE
OF THE MISSING
PUNCH.
Part 1.
JULy 3rd, 1981.
My Dear Ouseph,
I must say, what an unexpected pleasure to write to you, sat here in a rare state of calm. I have a cool glass of perry beside me and my rash is finally clearing up. Having relapsed into my shell last week, curtains drawn, crushed by that awful night in Winchester - I'm never drinking that Carfelwaße monkey piss again, and please do apologise again to your sister - I now stride with a confident skip & pop once more.
Let me explain.
Fresh from walking the concourse this afternoon, with that familiar piquant pickled onion pong lighting my nostrils with joy, I bumped into Carrie & Lyle Holness, who had returned early from Andalucia.
Lyle tried to punch me in the face.
I dodged the swipe, and initially thought he was playing the fool, but it soon became clear he was not. Carrie graciously stepped in and held us apart with her firm hands and bandy legs. Long story short, he had been incorrectly informed that I was responsible for causing his disqualification from the Glendurgan Matchplay last month, which caused so much hoo-hah bullcrap with BAFBA. Sweet Martha's Vineyard, I'd never heard such nonsense. You were there too, how could I have possibly seen him tamper with the fucking jack?
Anyhoo, I bought them dinner and explained my innocence. He explained his guilt, and that he had some dirt on Cahill Morgue from their time at the Embassy, so was expecting minor punishment - perhaps a small fine. I must say that they were delightful company; Lyle described his battle with Avon police over the hot dung freely relinquished by their horses when on patrol. How can there be heavy fines for rogue dog shit, and yet free reign for larger animals to dump where they please. A fair point, I thought. It reminded me of the time you challenged Rutsax council to ban ice cream vans in the town centre. Sticking it to the man. Only everyone loves ice cream. No one loves horse pat.
Got to dash, those origami orang-utans you need for the theatre promo won't fold themselves.
Very best,
Pitkin
The CASE
OF THE MISSING
PUNCH.
Part 2.
TBC.