NOTABLE PLAYERS.
Not all heroes wear capes. But many DO play Boules.
Full Name: Robert Otto Gymroy Fingelstein-Unit
Nickname/s: 'Fingu', ‘Dirty Rog’, ‘Bobby Wap’
Date of Birth: 25/12/55
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Haugh - pronounced ‘how?’, not ‘whore’, Lincolnshire Wolds (Hore by Stow)
Club Team: The Birmingham Six
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1982
Favoured Technique/Signature Move: The ‘Rob’ Schneider. First executed to stunned rapture at the Young Conservatives Three Day Derby at Twickenham Green in June 1984. The bouler assumes the throwing stance of a lacklustre Schneider, the sort one might expect in a warm up game to loosen the shoulders and become aquatinted with the turf. Then, a moment before the boule is released, the back straightens and the wrist flicks, thereby projecting the Put-Put high and long. First dismissed as showmanship, Fingu has executed the ‘Rob’ Schneider, ‘stealing’ the Punnett from the ‘Jaws’ of defeat on enough occasions that the technique is now considered an established, if somewhat gaudy move. Tam Buchanan once described it as ‘Florid, grotesque and right up my genre.’
BAFBA Tour Titles: 3
Greatest Boules Achievement: Fingu once forfeited a game by swallowing the nubbin.
Favourite Venue: The Corby Flange
He says... : “Indoor Boules?!” - To a young Jeremy Paxman after the great storm of 1987.
They say... : "Fingu, the mucky cu%t."
Did you know...?: Fingu’s nom de plume is ‘Anne Saint Clements’. Readers may recognise her name from quarterly pétanque publication ‘Boule Shit - On the Subject of Boules’ and the mildly controversial ITV boules gameshow Lucky Strike that got canned after one episode, when Fingu, bizarrely appearing as his nom de plume dressed in a paisley frock, hurled a jack at host William G Stewart after it appeared Stewart mouthed ‘Mucky cu%t’ at Anne, putting him off his throw.
Full Name: Polly Harvey Oswald Skiboots
Nickname(s): 'The Biggle Beagle'
Date of Birth: 24/10/82
Place of Birth: Biggle, California
Current Residence: Wooville
Club Team: WUBs (Wooville University Beagles)
BAFBA Boules Debut: 2011
Favoured Technique/Signature moves: 'The Wurlitzer', whereby Skiboots gibbers and pops as she prances and spins her way towards delivery of the schwere kugel.
BAFBA Tour Titles: 12
Greatest Boules Achievement: Winning her very first tournament at the inaugural North Korean Metropolitan Congretional in 2011 with an aggressive 'Wurlitzer' winkle finish which famously brought her opponent, the experienced Rambert Valentine, to tears.
Favourite Venue: Pyongyang Metropolitan Public Baths
She says... : "I am a bilingual Boulista - I do English and profanity."
They say... : "Skiboots is a dangerous and formidable opponent - she's like a tiny Godzilla with flip-flops."
Did you know...?: Polly Skiboots is an amateur cryptozoologist.
Full Name: Kenneth Samuel Mews MP
Nickname(s): 'Ken Plod', 'The Plod', 'The Gobbler', 'The Fist of Wrath'.
Date of Birth: 12/12/40
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Balliford Glebe, County Durham (Flaxmarsh)
Club Team: Durham Warlords (retired)
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1960
Favoured Technique/Signature move: The Falcon Fulcrum
BAFBA Tour Titles: 42
Greatest Boules Achievement: Defending the 'Champion of Champions' title at Penge in 1980
Favourite Venue: Eglesnash Steading Cornmarket
He says... : "Everybody must learn to respect The Plod."
They say... : "Unflinchingly intimidating."
Did you know...?: Former policeman and MP for Flaxmarsh, Ken Mews is a modern titan of Freestyle Boules. Though recently retired, his passion for the sport was matched only by his passions for the prevention of localised inner city crime, collecting rare Egyptian footwear, and visiting the Jorvik Viking Centre in York.
Full Name: Tamas-Ehud Paisley Buchanan Jr
Nickname: 'The Coughing Buck'
Date of Birth: 25/12/46
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Strathclyde, Scotland (Plumedge, Norfolk)
Club Team: Norwich Panthers
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1983
Favoured Technique/Signature Move: Aggresive Snow Leopard (palm-up) Winkle
BAFBA Tour Titles: 55
Greatest Boules Achievement: Winning the 1987 Croydon Invitational (400 entrants - the biggest ever BAFBA tour event), as well as his 5 Gib Cup titles.
Favourite Venue: Llamas Park, Northfields
He says... : "As sure as God made tiny apples, there'll be blood on the Moon."
They say... : "Few that have crossed the Coughing Buck have survived with a full compliment of fingers."
Did you know...?: Tam has 9 children - 7 of whom are named either 'Tammie', 'Tambo' or 'Tam'.
Full Name: Chastity Blythe Marriott Darling
Nickname: The Western Winkle, The Winkle, Winkie, The Scholar, Chas Raisin, Raisin Arizona.
Date of Birth: 22/08/55
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Goonhavern (Nether Edge)
Club Team: Redruth Raisins
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1985
Favoured Technique/Signature move: The Toast (Sensational punnett-winning Winkle Crowbar, followed by raising an imaginary glass of champagne).
BAFBA Tour Titles: 79
Greatest Boules Achievement: 6-Time Gib Cup Winner
Favourite Venue: Glendurgan Beach
He says... : "I'm watching you, Park, I see you..."
They say... : "Darling is a formidable opponent, unflinching Winkie."
Did you know...?: Darling claims to have read over 5000 books in his lifetime. He was the first BAFBA member to appear on Desert Island Discs, but the episode never aired, as Darling refused to choose music instead of books for his selections.
Full Name: Brenda Auxiliary Klaxon
Nickname: 'The Wedgwood Strangler'
Date of Birth: 29/02/49
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Wedgwoodshire, UK (Hampton Hill)
Club Team: The Percy Sledges
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1978
Favoured Technique/Signature move: The Strangle Handle (Klaxon calls for silence, before tossing an inch-perfect Leamington Handy Bonnie Tyler)
BAFBA Tour Titles: 60
Greatest Boules Achievement: Having won her first Gib Cup in 1981, it would be her outstanding victory at Pryhill Gardens in 1984, the first televised BAFBA event.
Favourite Venue: Migglemoore Aquarium
She says... : "When the Klaxon sounds, I cannot be altered"
They say... : "Klaxon is unnaturally aggressive in the early stages of matchplay, sledging is her calling card, psychological abuse is her mews".
Did you know...?: Klaxon likes eggs, but only during the week. Not at weekends. Also, her real name is Catherine Cookson.
Full Name: Huew De Saville Wisemann IV
Nickname: 'The Cardinal'
Date of Birth: 04/07/70
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Gerney Bar, Wales (Kipborn)
Club Team: 'The Bishop's Hammock Public House Avengers' (now defunct)
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1991
Favoured Technique: 'The Hanging Basket' - a move inspired by his country residence in Kipborn.
BAFBA Tour Titles: 0
Greatest Boules Achievement: Qualifying for 'The Quernfield Vase Trophy' in 1992
Favourite Venue: Bray
Least Favourite Venue: Roxmill Cottage
He says... : "They put powder in my schnapps, and promised to take me beyond the atrium"
They say... : "Wiseman folded like a house of cards"
Did you know...?: Wiseman holds the unenviable distinction of being the only player in BAFBA history to register 'nil points' - in a Best of 5-Bastards Championship game at the 'Roxmill Cottage Matchplay' in 1993. The 0-21, 0-21, 0-21 thrashing, in little over 25 minutes, by Humberside rookie Gibson 'The Monkey Wrench' Otter, was the first of its kind. It was later claimed (unsuccessfully, by Wiseman himself) that he had been drugged in the evening before the match, by a member of Otter's loyal fanbase, the 'Ottettes'. Although no official retirement has been announced, Wiseman has not appeared on the circuit since the incident.
Full Name: Frederick Keith Gallows
Nickname: Froggy, The Nose, Rickshaw Pick
Date of Birth: 24/10/54
Place of Birth (Current Residence): East Sheen (Shepperton)
Club Team: Hammersmith Tapestry
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1984
Favoured Technique/Signature move: The Frog Chorus (back to back Peterhouse nubbin tosses), also points to his nose and the ballcock when victorious - think Lionel Blair on 'Give Us A Clue'.
BAFBA Tour Titles: 78
Greatest Boules Achievement: 5-Time Gib Cup Winner
Favourite Venue: Fistral Beach
He says... : "Darling, you bastard..."
They say... : "Park, you bastard..."
Did you know...?: Various sources have speculated on the origin of 'Chiswick Park'; because he learnt to play boules in Chiswick Park, he enjoys picnics at Chiswick Park, or because it's an anagram of 'Rickshaw Pick' (an early nickname).
Full Name: Ahmed Loe
Nickname: "The Loe-Blow"
Date of Birth: 01/01/85
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Bradford, UK (Rutsax, Gloucestershire.)
Club Team: Rutsax Nutsax BC
BAFBA Boules Debut: 2007
Favoured Technique/Signature Move: A unique (needs to be seen to be believed) overarm Leamington Handy.
BAFBA Tour Titles: None
Greatest Boules Achievement: Runner Up at 'The Fisheries Challenge' 2008
Favourite Venue: The car park at 'The Croxteth Cannon', Liverpool.
He says... : "When the sun hits the pie, and you drink it with wine, that's fu-ror-e"
They say... : "Loe-Blow punches be-Loe the belt"
Did you know...?: Loe was taught Boules by the late Denis Thatcher. Attends BAFBA meets with his Alsatian, 'Cupid'.
Full Name: Morecambe Neil Hidari O'Muir
Nickname: "Bucky"
Date of Birth: Unknown
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Stepps, Scotland (Unknown)
Club Team: None
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1989
Favoured Technique: The Crab (also known as the 'skimmer')
BAFBA Tour Titles: 14
Greatest Boules Achievement: Completing the Perrenporth Festival 'Vortex Challenge' in 2003 whilst suffering from amnesia and acute alcohol poisoning
Favourite Venue: Helsinki Auditorium
He says... : "Prick..."
They say... : "O'Muir is the Oliver Reed of Boules"
Did you know...?: O'Muir can't swim, but can make broth.
Full Name: Declan Uriah Psoriasis I
Nickname: 'Tyrannosaurus' Psoriasis
Date of Birth: 40/07/70
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Eugene, Oregon (Lawrence, Kansas)
Club Team: Lawrence Quasi-Beavers BC
BAFBA Boules Debut: 2011
Favoured Technique: 'The Salamander' - Psoriasis pauses and stoops before launching an unusual double-fisted winkle
BAFBA Tour Titles: 1
Greatest Boules Achievement: Somehow managing to find his 2nd nebula, in unforgiving undergrowth (underneath some discarded fast food), during a wretched opening round at The Camembert Country Club Invitational in early 2012.
Favourite Venue: Tiddlehampton Rectory, Tiddlehampton
Least Favourite Venue: Camembert Country Club, Texas (see above)
He says... : "I have so much to give, but so much to learn..."
They say... : "He has so much to learn".
Did you know...?: Psoriasis once ate porridge for dinner, apparently mistaking it for leek and potato soup. Psoriasis is allergic to porridge, and required 4 stitches.
Full Name: Dr Anthony Amarillo Nathaniel Padstowe
Nickname: 'Miguel Umgh'
Date of Birth: 02/04/66
Place of Birth (Current Residence): Balmouth, UK (Balmouth)
Club Team: Old Balmouth College Unitarians
BAFBA Boules Debut: 1985
Favoured Technique/Signature move: The Goosewing (an unorthodox roundhouse throw - like a hammer thrower)
BAFBA Tour Titles: 20
Greatest Boules Achievement: His victory in the 'Yemen Cup', aged 17
Favourite Venue: Wormwood Scrubs Auxilliary Hospital
He says... : "When I pull the Goosewing, my heart sings..."
They say... : "Umgh is a precocious talent, but has a major drinking problem".
Did you know...?: Umgh is related to Burt Reynolds' sister.