The CASE
OF THE MISSING
OUSEph.
Part 1.
JULY 9th, 1980.
My dear Ouseph,
Apologies for my tardiness, I have become rather reliant on a drop or three of Claret with (and after, truth be told) dinner.
Therefore, combined with my general lethargy, and forgetfulness, and tendency for procrastination, I have become a tour de force of scat; a maelstrom of inefficiency.
So, anyway...
I was in the club talking to Chris Choi, about his unnecessarily crass laugh and fortified footwear, when we were approached by Maurice, who started wiping his mouth with a cold flannel.
He asked me how I was (forgetting my name in the process), before asking whether I'd seen you recently.
I told him you were busy preparing for a life with an extra mouth to feed, and he started coughing up blood. Chris Choi promptly threw up on Russell Grant, who was sat to his right, alone. Visibly shaken, Maurice then left the scene. He was very subdued, and it was clear to all that he still holds you in high regard. It is understood that he misses your regular attendance. Perhaps you could give him a call.
Your sudden departure, and absence, from the boules training sessions and the club nights, not to mention the BAFBA Annual General Meeting, has led to more questions than answers.
Questions, it would appear, that I am having to field. I do sometimes wish that you had straightened things out before your hasty exit.
Anyway, it must be nice to be missed.
I trust you are managing to dot the i's, and cross the f's.
Right, now, I really must tell you about a new club member that I met after helping a stricken Choi into a tuk-tuk. His name is Derek, and he looks like the projected offspring of Alvin Stardust and The Milky Bar Kid.
He asked me if I'd ever been to Amarillo.
I said 'yes', for I had.
He then asked me if I stayed at the 'Camelot Inn'.
I said 'yes', for I had.
He then asked me if my name was Reuben.
I said 'no', for it isn't, and he walked away.
I wondered what he would have done/said if my name was Reuben, or at least if I told him that my name was Reuben.
Your thoughts on The Alvin Kid, as I will now refer to him, are, as ever, welcome. Does he have a sinister agenda? Should I befriend him? Am I to avoid him? Should I tell him that Maurice's name is Reuben?
Must dash - I've yet to finish my strudel.
Very best,
Pitkin
The CASE
OF THE MISSING
OUSEPH.
Part 2.
August 10th, 1980.
Dearest Pitkin,
No apology necessary - though, as I have learned through bitter experience, you must try to ensure that "dinner" does not become anything other than a singular juncture in your working(?) day. Having said that, I admit I also find these seasonal transitions rather onerous (you'll remember, March has never been my favourite month) and, what with the impending tribunal, I've been feeling quite out of sorts this last week. On top of this, I have discovered that my so-called "miracle" blood pressure prescription I told you about also comes equipped with a host of minor, though still undesirable, side-effects, including bloating, wheezing, hot-flushes, flatulence and nausea. When I challenged Lionel to explain why he hadn't informed me of this earlier, he said he didn't think I'd notice the difference. Either way, he assures me that those dry patches on my elbows are not related.
It's really too much for Maurice to have adopted the part of a jilted-Jemima. As you know, I wrote several letters to him at the time explaining my position and that, as far as I was concerned, the matter should now be put-to-bed (no pun intended). No doubt, he also neglected to tell you about the "back-fees" he attempted to extract from me during our last encounter at dear Alistair Cockswain's cremation. Indeed, M's behaviour (and appearance) that day was so incongruous, not to mention unfitting to the occasion that I had wondered if he might have had another relapse. I don't think he's really been himself since the raid, and the less said about that guttersnipe Choi the better.
I have to say, I'm rather taken aback by the continuing brouhaha at BAFBA, though I'm sorry if you feel put upon in my absence. Surely it's only the board that need get a whiff of the real story (most of them probably have already), and the minnows can just be placated with a few raids on the hospitality kitty.
Finally, re: the new member. Caution, Pitkin, I advise caution. It sounds to me like he ticks a lot of the right boxes for our purposes (perhaps too many?), but we don't want another "Timmy Kranky" on our consciences. Enough said, I think.
As ever,
Joseph.