The CASE
OF THE MISSING
CHEW.
AUGUST 31st, 1980.
Dear Ouseph,
I must say it's been a delight having Olive over to stay with us for the last week. I will miss her loyalty and companionship.
For a young 'un, she is (generally) very well behaved. When I came home this evening to an empty house and was not greeted with wags and licks, I felt sad. I hope she had a good time.
Apart from when she shat in the study, pissed on the couch, tried to eat my chicken kiev when I went to get a glass of water, and chewed the staircase, we got on famously well. I found out a lot about her and how she's adjusting to life as a pug in the 21st Century; how her diminutive stature can be a help as well as a hindrance, and how, as a sounding board for some comedic ideas that I was cultivating, she was surprisingly receptive.
She communicates slowly, and cautiously, but eloquently, and growls especially highly of you and ****. I found out that between meals she can act a little crazy, going particularly mental between the hours of 3-5pm even after we've been out to the park meeting new friends. She yaps at the TV with unerring efficiency and regularity (showing a particular dislike of Noel Edmonds) and charges around eating random debris (mostly fluff/leaves) and chasing her tiny tail. I gave her a dog chew to calm her nerves, but it has disappeared. Despite its industrial size in comparison with her tiny frame, I think she might have sneakily buried it somewhere - possibly under the floorboards or in one of my shoes.
I also noticed that she is suspicious of cyclists and squirrels, does not respect pigeons, and shows admirable bravery (naivety) and calmness (confusion) when faced with over-excitable fellow canines - some that I myself would be wary of. Just to let you know, I diligently checked her water source and supplied her with fresh regular top-ups to maintain hydration, which she clearly appreciated. She ate well too, though her dog food does smell like death, mixed with dried meat - which might well explain her appalling guffs.
We took her round to **** & ****'s, and despite her initial (understandable) disorientation and hyper-inquisitivity, she settled very well and became a real hit with everyone in attendance - before falling asleep on her bed and embarking on a classic snore:guff spree.
Send her my fond regards, and give her a chew treat from me - although it might be best to check your shoes if she/it 'goes missing'.
Very best,
Pitkin